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| Off my pills again.
Manic = Off pills and tired of feeling afraid... so doing EVERYTHING I never could do... to a fault.
I really need to stop this. I feel wild and unruly... I feel free. I keep stopping, worried I'm going to recklessly ruin something... but when it comes down to it, I'm a bull in an *empty* China shop. There's nothing I can ruin I haven't ruined already.
Do I miss you?
Do I miss her?
Do I love you?
Do I love you?
I'm afraid for myself, frankly. I'm burning too fast. I'm going to be empty pretty soon, burning everything on the way down.
Harmless? Most harmful, yet.
I'm a million different people from one day to the next. | | |
| So... Tossed around this weekend. Get my floor taken out from under me, but that was all my doing. I lose it, but I come back. I guess it affected me for awhile, but now I'm not sure it did any damage. I don't know how I feel about it.
I don't know how I feel about a lot of things, I guess. I'm trying to figure out where the line lies between forgiveness or tolerance due to understanding and sticking up for one's self. I think it is dependent on how low you are at the time of judgment. If your heart is bleeding, it's much easier to fall to the fucked up side of things and just... go with it.
I guess it's like being in a foreign country. At first, you're open to being around people who don't speak your language. You want to learn to fit in with them, and they make you feel good. Some new, bright experience. Sooner than later, though, you start missing people understanding you. Some people may speak a broken version of your language, but no one seems to understand you innately. After being in that foreign place for a long time, you suddenly hear someone speak your language one day. No matter how that person treats you or how you shouldn't be around them, you cling to them. It's not that you need them, you just feel a little more comfortable. You feel a little more normal, a little less alien.
I'm scared of myself lately. I feel I may be slipping farther. I've been isolating myself and pushing people away... by people, I mean everyone. I completely go away... and I find myself trying to take a painfully deep breath, grit my teeth, and solve my problems in raw and blunt ways. Suddenly, I seem to have balls, I guess. I don't know if it's helping or hurting, though.
I miss people from my past life. I don't remember them going away. I don't remember much, good or bad. Sometime I miss people I shouldn't. Sometimes I don't appreciate enough the people who are in my life now.
I am just kind of floating again, and I'm not even on my pills. God, I hate those fucking pills.
...
I'll be honest, but only with you. Please promise not to tell anyone, okay?
I don't actually know what I need, and I don't know what I want.
I'm just trying to prevent any more damage.
I make up most of my reasoning for things, now-a-days.
It's really pathetic, but it works pretty well.
Does anyone really know why they do the things they do?
Does anyone really know how they feel about something?
Or is it all about just sticking to one story?
I'm starting to think this "growing up" thing just entails being a better fake than you were when you were young...
young enough not to know how to guess or lie about everything so well that you forget that it was only a guess or lie.
I mean... be realistic and rational with me here...
How exactly can you preach anything to anyone?
I think the hardest part is admitting that you might just be as horrible as everyone else.
I can understand, though.
It seems like the easiest thing in the world to cling to your comfortable bullshit when you aren't sure of anything else...
Call it "absolute" or "true" or "moral" or "good" or any other bias word that sounds good in your mind...
Then "prove" its worth to yourself by harshly judging everyone around you...
Failing everyone you don't like or envy in the process.
It feels good, doesn't it?
To be honest, I really think being alone is causing you to lose it further.
I think you are stuck in your own little world where you can admit your flaws in a non-tangible way...
Then define everything in such a light to make yourself come out sane and correct.
You play this fragile martyr in all of this... Trying to find something positive in your situation.
Ever thought that maybe isolation is just the lesser of the two evils for you?
That doesn't make it okay... Nor does it make it universal.
Walk down the street
I'm thinking, "Everybody move along"
I've got a sad-hearted needing to belong
Nevertheless, it's all the mess you made, but i can let it go
Walk down the street
I'm thinking, "Look at all the ants in a farm"
I've got a sad-hearted feeling to harm
Hate a lot of things, but I love a few things
And you are one of them
| | |
| Don't you breathe for me,
Undeserving of your sympathy,
Cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did.
A drink for the horror that I'm
For the good guys and the bad guys,
For the monsters that I've been.
Three cheers for tyranny,
Unapologetic apathy,
Cause there ain't no way that I'm coming back again.
And through it all
How could you cry for me?
Cause I don't feel bad about it.
So shut your eyes,
Kiss me goodbye,
And sleep.
Just sleep.
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| Sydney thinks you know you're in a family of winners when on Thankgiving, dad and son bond by getting high & chipping cigarette butts out of the yard with a golf club. 11:27am | | |
| Just be in love and I’ll kiss you like you’ve always wanted
Just close your eyes, I’ll still live as if I’m dying
If I don’t make your heart skip a beat then hate me
If I don’t make you feel anything than it’s me
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
Just close your eyes and I’ll kiss you like there’s no tomorrow
If I don’t make your heart skip a beat then hate me
If I don’t make you feel anything then it’s me
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
So sleep now, so deep in static
Drifting in the shadows
Hold me close to the four wall headlights
And TV screens
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life | | |
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